Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
