At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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