Just fell off a train. Bad.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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