And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
