What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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