I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
