Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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