i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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