never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
