the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
