I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
