Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
