my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
