i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
