hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
