I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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