Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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