Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
