For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
