I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Help me help you realize you are a moron
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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