Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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