I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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