I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
