I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
only you would photoshop your dick
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
