My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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