I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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