google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
