My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
jump out the window naked night went bad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
