i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
