Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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