nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
