Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
