This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
