also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
