you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
