If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just pee around me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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