There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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