Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
