Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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