Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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