I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So apparently I’m into choking now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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