Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
