Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
