Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
