He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
