Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
thus making me awesome and them whores
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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