Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
