My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
