are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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