It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
