Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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