I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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